Several unsightly wounds are scattered around my face and eyes (see fig. 2). Choose your own excuse to advance the story!!!

My face was badly bludgeoned because….

A) Latenight game of “face jousting” gone horribly right.

B) Called Perez a gay slur.

C) Called Will.I.Am “Perez.”

D) In a Nyquil-induced haze I confused my own reflection with my estranged brother, David Archuletta. Ran into mirror full-speed.

E) I was wasted. You should see the other guy.

F) Forgot to thaw turkey before deep-frying.

G) Realized my sex appeal was getting in the way of my art, like Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

H) Watched “Fight Club” in like, super hi-def dude.

I) Bored.

J) Overzealous “Face Insurance” salesman just trying to make a point.

K) Realized Rollingstone said i was the r. patz of 2005. What year is it now? Im fucked.

L) Literally fought for a  Midtown reunion.

M) Fell for the old “face-wash/sulfuric acid switcheroo.”

N) Watched “The View” without protection.

O) Starring in community theatre retelling of “Edward Scissorhands.”

P) Emo “self” Mutilation.

Q) Bathroom door.

R) “Hiatus” is over or has officially begun. Head hurts to much to remember.

S) Read and believed all the comments on the internet. Followed the instructions.

T) Lease up on old face.

U) Keep meaning to cut Bronx’s nails.

you decide. thanks g.a.b.e., ry, and jd.

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